I wrote this in my journal in my bedroom one night. Age 15.
7:27pm
Honestly, nothing is wrong. For some reason, I’m just in the worst mood. A part of me wants to go downstairs and watch TV with Karyssa, but a bigger part of me wants to stay in my room and cry myself to sleep. I really hate myself. I keep eating. I’m going to be fat. I know I won’t be, but I still say it. I am so ugly and I hate the way I am and the things I do. Sometimes, I wish I could just die. Or, I wish everyone would just disappear so that I could be alone, all alone in my sorrow and self-pity. Maybe I need help. But that would just be another thing to add to how messed up I am. I’d love to cause some form of physical pain to myself right now, but that will then only add to my long list of things I regret doing. I am the biggest loser in the world, and especially the fact that I call myself a loser, makes me even more of one. I don’t understand how I even have a few friends. No one should waste their time on me. I’m not worth it and I’m no good for anyone. I have no real purpose in life, that is if I even have one. Sometimes I wonder why I even have a social life at all. No one should bother talking to me. It’s a waste of time. I wish I could just kill myself. I honestly think I should go on medication. Maybe that’s the only cure to stop my feeling sorry for myself. What is the point of living if I’m always depressed?
7:45pm
I am such a mess.
Over time, things quieted down – the bullying, the tormenting, the abuse – but that didn’t mean that I’d gotten any better. The reality is that moving forward, the damage had been done. My self-esteem was already gone. I was self-conscious, and self-deprecating. I’d get sad and suddenly feel like the saddest, most hopeless person in the world. I couldn’t manage my emotions or my thoughts, and this is a dangerous thing. Why? Because our emotions and thoughts slowly start to form within us a set of beliefs, and these beliefs can often be detrimental to our well-being and our ability to grow, heal, and progress.
Looking back, I see now that I was triggered constantly. It’s why I would get so upset. It’s why I was depressed and why I self-harmed. From a very young age, life had taught me what it’s like to feel inferior or worthless. I then carried this feeling into all areas of my life. I held onto it as an absolute truth. And so when anything went wrong, even the slightest thing, it was my default emotion. It’s me, I’d think.
As high school went on, any new friendships or relationships I made would get to me. I’d get upset if they didn’t call on time, or if they changed plans, but I wouldn’t get angry at them… I just wouldn’t say anything at all. I’d grow silent. I’d keep it all bottled up inside me and I’d repeat all of these negative thoughts in my head, over and over again, doubting my worth. It was me. I knew it. I was unlovable. I was ugly. I was a loser. More evidence. I really am right.
This is what shatters young girls, and many teens of all genders – not developing the skills needed to handle big life matters and social issues. We so often fail to address the common risks and issues that teens and young people will absolutely face, either directly or indirectly. We fail to teach life skills in schools, and we wonder why so many students struggle academically. In fact, it’s why there’s such a huge push today within schools to emphasize social-emotional learning, and to ensure that students know how to cope, self-assess, seek help, and progress into each new phase of their academic and emotional lives.
As teenagers especially, we reach a new level of maturity where we now apply, assess, and measure everything we’ve learned so far in life. Really, no matter what age you are, growth and experience do one of two things – they either validate our beliefs or allow us to outgrow and disprove them. For me, I always felt the former so strongly. Validation. I always felt that every experience was proving to me, “See, you’re right. You really are worthless. You really are ugly. No one would actually care about you.” The slightest thing possible could trigger that whole string of thoughts. Those thoughts then create beliefs, and beliefs cause us emotions, and those emotions can then seep into our everyday lives and warp our entire realities. We can think we’re meant for nothing, or that we’ll always have bad luck, or that we aren’t meant for great things, or that nothing will ever get better. And this is actually the farthest thing from the truth… so we find ourselves, for years or even a lifetime, living a lie. (Deep, I know).
When it comes to negative beliefs about ourselves, the hope is that we will eventually outgrow them, that we can someday see that the only reason they exist is at all is because they were introduced to us, in some experience, at some point in time.
For me, those thoughts-turned-beliefs came from a whole bunch of sources – my second grade teacher, the grade school parents, my own parents, my classmates, the big bad bullies, boyfriends, and even my own friends. It was the many things they said and did that added up and led to how I would then perceive myself and the world around me – for a very long time.
Here’s a perfect example… When I was 15 (yes fifteen), a boy once told me I should get implants. I spent nearly 10 years seriously thinking about it. I actually researched doctors and financing. Then one day, it totally hit me… “Wait, even if my breasts are small, who says small breasts are a bad thing? Where did I even get that idea? In fact, when did I ever start to think a damn thing about my breasts? This is stupid!” And well… when I dissected it, it all led back to that one comment. See?
The real truth always exists deep within us. We get so disconnected from who we were when we first came into this world, or who we might have been, back when we came into the world with a clean slate. Life erodes our innocence, but it’s still deep down there waiting to get back out. We are valuable and loving and worthy. We are capable beyond limits. Life just has a nasty way of tricking us into thinking otherwise, teaching us false notions and ideas. We just need to get back to the truth.
And this brings me to the theme of my new life, who I am today and what I do. I’m on a mission to empower… Because empowerment is what allows us to be in control and handle whatever life throws at us. It’s why my goal as a speaker is to not only educate teens, but to really empower them. To ensure that they develop life-critical skills to prevent harm, manage challenges, be self-aware, and seek help.
So with that… a closing tip for adults and parents:
Don’t ignore the little mood swings. Don’t ignore the sudden emotions, or the reclusiveness. These are your opportunities to offer support in the greatest possible way. Don’t lecture and don’t make it awkward. Put yourself in your child’s shoes. (How would you have responded to your parents intruding on your life?) Create space for a safe, open, non-judgmental conversation. Say something as simple as, “Help me understand…” and then wait for them to respond. And if they don’t respond, share your own humanity. Share your own feelings and weaknesses. Share something you’d never consider sharing with them – maybe a failure at work, or in a past relationship, or about your own self-esteem. Share what you do to overcome those bad feelings or hard moments. And most importantly, demonstrate that our emotions often serve to teach us something important, to help us learn more about ourselves, and in a really cool way, make us wiser and stronger.
Are you hurting? If you need immediate attention, call 911. For anonymous, 24/7 support and guidance, you may contact the following:
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
- National Dating Abuse Helpline, 1-866-331-9474
- National Sexual Assault Hotline, 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE)
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-8255 (TALK)
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About: Ashley Bendiksen is a top youth motivational speaker and prevention educator. A survivor speaker and renowned expert in teen dating violence, domestic violence, and sexual assault prevention, Ashley is available as a speaker for middle schools, high schools, colleges, and youth conferences for both students and adults who serve them. She is also a professional development speaker for first responders, victim services providers, and workplaces. Request Ashley to speak.