Disclaimer: This ‘my story’ series contains language that may potentially trigger those who have experienced or witnessed abuse. Read with discretion.
It’s been a while since I last wrote. The end of summer brought a whole slew of events in my world – from traveling to Vegas to speak at the ASIS International GSX Conference, to organizing a pageant, a big Newport social event, plus a million other things, and then diving into Domestic Violence Awareness Month to speak at a bunch of schools. (And on that note – my trip to MCLA up in North Adams was like heaven on earth! Amazing foliage and a gorgeous solo hike in the woods! Must must must return!)
So here I am… Committed to picking back up where I left off. In truth, my story really hasn’t even begun. I’ve really only just laid out the framework, where things all started. What I’m trying to do is paint a picture of the million things in life that impact us. They culminate and become truths to us, when really, they aren’t truth at all. And in many cases, these things completely sidetrack us, often for way too long.
In my last entry, I talked about how difficult my teenage life was, and how in retrospect I’m not quite sure how I didn’t completely self destruct. (I came close). Was I at risk? Absolutely. Did I hate who I was, and think I was worthless? Totally. Did I drink? Self-harm? Self-loathe? Want to die? More days than any teenage girl should.
But you see, there was one thing that saved me through it all. I only realize that now, looking back. It was my best friend. At a time when nearly my whole school was against me, when even my family, teachers, and the adults in my life didn’t offer support – my best friend was there.
Of course, when I first started high school, I had a good number of friends. I was part of a group that I truly loved. But the challenge of high school is that it often calls for self-preservation, and this meant that keeping friends was hard. One day, one girl in our friend group was upset at me. She was so upset that she spread rumors about me to another girl in our group. That girl then spread rumors to every friend we all shared. I’ll never forget the day I walked into school and said my normal “hello’s” to all of them, one by one in the hall, only to be greeted back by blank, pissed off faces. Turns out, my “friend” had approached every single one of them and said I’d been “talking shit” behind their backs. I was so upset and could never understand why someone would do that. I lost every friend I had in a matter of minutes, and they never came back. Stick with the group.
Thankfully, my best friend wasn’t in that circle. More thankfully, she always seemed to be so above all the high school drama and childish bullshit. She’s the only friend who never jumped ship. Unlike the others, she wouldn’t laugh when a joke was made about me. She wouldn’t chime in, or add in some twisted lie to join in on a story. She didn’t abandon me like so many of my other “friends” or my peers, who realized it was much easier and “cooler” to join the crowd than to do the right thing. In fact, despite being pretty bookish, quiet, and polite, she even tried standing up for me. She’d say, “Hey, that’s my best friend!” And we’re still best friends today.
A little backstory… I met my best friend at the start of a new school year in 7th grade. Back then, I was painfully shy and didn’t really talk to anyone. I had a few friends, but even at that, I hardly ever even talked to them. I was picked on for my coke bottle glasses, and my braces, and my funky hand-me-down clothes too, so I wasn’t used to actually making real friends. But then one day, the girl seated in the desk in front of me turned around suddenly, stuck out her hand to offer me a handshake and said, “Hi! I’m Melissa!” And the rest is history. We’ve been best friends ever since.
Today, I think (know) that meeting my best friend, and having her in my life, has been the greatest aspect of my entire adolescence. I don’t know who I’d be today without her. Not only did she bring to life my quirky, silly, and energetic side that I’d been hiding from the world, the part of me that made me me – but she became that one friend that I knew I could turn to for everything.
She knew my deepest, darkest secrets – the ones I told no one else. Just having her as someone to talk to helped me through so many rough days. In no time, we’d be laughing and acting goofy, and binge-eating E.L. Fudge cookies in her bedroom, and singing Disney princess songs, and the world felt okay again. I’m not sure how else to describe it, but hanging out with her was an “escape” for me, at times when being alone could have been irreparably damaging.
She knew about the assaults. She knew about the boys who terrorized me and my family. She knew about the calls and the threats. She knew about the rumors and the bullying. She knew I was drinking and cutting. And that alone, just someone knowing, was a relief. I wasn’t really alone.
But that wasn’t it. She tried to help me, all the time… She’d encourage me to talk to someone. She’d get angry at me for hurting myself again. She’d cry and threaten to tell my parents. She cared so much, and I always just felt unworthy of it. It’s a blessing to me now.
Of course, now that I’m older, I can really reflect on it all and appreciate it. Yes, my best friend supported me in deeply powerful ways, but she also pushed me out of my comfort zone. She encouraged me to go new places. We went to events and met people from other schools and towns. We found a weekly open mic poetry night at a local café every Wednesday. She begged me to show up and audition for the school musical – something that terrified me – but I did it, and got call backs, and I ended up joining Drama Club, Chorus, and Concert Choir. I’d never have done that if it weren’t for her. I wouldn’t have tried getting involved in anything.
This is what an at-risk teen needs – Someone to listen. Someone to understand them. Someone who is patient and nonjudgmental. Someone who is discreetly always watching out for them. Someone who can help take their mind off of things on a bad day. Someone who believes in them, even when they don’t believe in themselves. Someone who can be a light in a world that feels so dark.
Today, there is one phrase that my best friend said to me that I still repeat to myself today when I am feeling down. Back then, in a moment of true panic, she said to me, “Ashley… You are the strongest person I know. If anyone can get through this, it’s you…” I will never forget that. It meant everything to me then, and well, it still does now.
Now we’re both grown. She’s expecting, in fact, and it’s a wild thought. Quite frankly, I can’t believe we’re both actually adults. In a few months, she’ll bring a beautiful baby girl into this world, and it gives me so much hope. The charge is on all of us to raise daughters, and raise all children, to be strong, loving, caring, empathetic, and compassionate, to raise them the determination to always do what’s right. I know she’ll do just that. But we can all do that, every single day, by leading by example. By changing how we live and interact. By seeing the world with a different lens, one that cares and isn’t, under any circumstances, ever afraid to show it.
Take this entry as a teachable moment. If you have children, talk to them. Teach them to be self-aware. Tell them they can talk to you when things go wrong. Teach them how to be a great friend to someone they know who may be hurt. Let’s make kindness contagious. This is how we can save lives.
Are you hurting? If you need immediate attention, call 911. For anonymous, 24/7 support and guidance, you may contact the following:
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
- National Dating Abuse Helpline, 1-866-331-9474
- National Sexual Assault Hotline, 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE)
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-8255 (TALK)
About: Ashley Bendiksen is a top youth motivational speaker and prevention educator. A survivor speaker and renowned expert in teen dating violence, domestic violence, and sexual assault prevention, Ashley is available as a speaker for middle schools, high schools, colleges, and youth conferences for both students and adults who serve them. She is also a professional development speaker for first responders, victim services providers, and workplaces. Request Ashley to speak.