I am the oldest of three, which means, my parents were strict on me and me alone. As a teenager, I was hardly allowed anywhere. My dad used to drive the streets just to catch me and my best friend walking to the beach. “Ashley! I told you not to take walks!,” he’d yell. Needless to say, I certainly wasn’t allowed to hang out with boys.
But when I met the boy at the dance and we exchanged numbers, my parents didn’t seem to mind him calling the house. They probably thought it was cute. My first boyfriend. Plus, he was only calling. That’s how it was back then. He’d call the house and we’d talk on the phone for hours, and hours, and hours. I’d lie on my bed, staring up at the ceiling, with the cordless phone attached to my hand, wondering what to say, asking him what he was thinking about. You, he’d say, and that I miss you. Other times, we wouldn’t even talk. We’d just put on our TV’s and “watch something together,” just breathing into the phone!
It might sound lame to kids today, but to me, it felt right. We spent months talking on the phone, which meant that we really got to know each other. We talked about our feelings, and how they grew more by the day. I trusted him and really felt I knew him because we’d talked so much. And it stayed exciting this way too. It was thrilling to see him in school, to be right next to him. Eventually, he’d start to say that he wished we could spend time together, and I agreed. I knew my parents would never let me spend time with him, so the plan was to make up a lie, say I was going to a friend’s but see him instead.
On the big day, I was nervous. We were going to catch a movie at the mall. I remember getting dressed up, doing my make-up, going over what the date might be like, over and over in my head. I kept thinking about what might happen, if he would hold my hand, if I might have my first kiss. Then I got nervous that I might mess up, that I might not know how to kiss, or that I would be bad at it!
In the theatre, the movie started. I hardly paid any attention to it. I just kept watching him through the peripheral of my eye. When he reached over and held my hand, my heart raced. All that mattered was that his hand was in mine. Then, he reached over and undid my pants. My heart raced even more, but in a different way. I didn’t know what he was doing. I looked at him, and smiled uncomfortably, and moved his hand away. But then he turned to me and tried again. He told me not to worry, or be nervous. He said, “Don’t you like me?” I didn’t know what to do. I was nervous and also shy. I wanted to be polite. I giggled uncomfortably, shifted away as best I could, but he just kept trying. I sat still as he felt around, and it felt awful. No one had ever touched me there, and it felt gross to me. Eventually he stopped, having a hard time of his own, and then almost seemed bothered. I wondered if I did something wrong, or if there was something wrong with me.
At home, I felt confused. I didn’t feel good at all. Just a few hours earlier, I was so excited. I felt like the happiest girl in the world. I liked him and pictured something sweet and romantic. Now, I felt empty in a way. I just wanted my first kiss. I never even considered anything else. Worse, I had all these questions swirling in my head. Was he right? If I liked him, should I have expected that? Did I somehow imply I wanted this? Is this what couples do? Was this normal? I was just so confused and embarrassed by it all, that I kept it to myself. How could I even think to talk to anyone about this?!
Later, past suppertime, he called as usual. I was in my room and I can remember my dad yelling to me that my boyfriend was on the phone. I was so nervous to even talk to him. But he acted as if nothing had happened. He talked to me the same way he had the night before, telling me how much I meant to him and how happy I make him. Was I exaggerating things? Maybe it’s not such a big deal… Everything felt normal again. And so, after that, we continued to date… Maybe this is what dating is?, I thought.
I had no idea. My parents never talked to me about these things. I never had “the talk” about sex, or intimacy, or boys, or even dating with anyone. When I was little, I had sleepovers with my friends and cousins. We’d stay up all night giggling, talking about boys, and funnily enough, trying to figure out what “sex” was. We’d talk all night long. “Maybe they just get naked and rub against each other!,” we laughed. Then one day my friend said, “Well, I heard only the girl has to get naked!,” and my mind was blown. I couldn’t figure it all out! Or the time when my grandma was watching Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman and there was a scene where Dr. Quinn and Sully “did it,” (and I wondered if I was about to get sent out of the living room) except the only thing the scene showed were Dr. Quinn’s legs bouncing off the end of the bed. How does it all happen?!!!
Needless to say, I grew up figuring out all adult things on my own. I also grew up never feeling I could open up and talk to my parents about these things. So after that first date, I stayed quiet. I wasn’t about to tell them that I lied or snuck around, nor was I going to try to talk to them about… sex stuff. I was only 14! It was embarrassing!
The next day, somehow I was the laughing stock of the school. When I passed the baseball team standing around after school before practice, they all started hooting and yelling things at me. He’d told stories to his friends, which took off. This evolved into years of unspeakable and awful rumors. I’m not sure I ever even had a chance after that day.
And sadly, that wasn’t the end of it. I did mention that we continued to date. That first incident, while seemingly innocent at first, was only the beginning of what was to come. It marked the beginning of nearly two years of sexual coercion and assault, of being forced to please him with tears in my eyes, of him brainwashing me into thinking that there was something wrong with me, that if I cared, I’d do what he asked, and that when I said no, please, I don’t want to, I was “being a baby.” And of course, he’d spread more rumors in school and he’d eventually terrorize my family too…
What I know today that I didn’t know after that date is that real love means respect and boundaries. That sex requires consent – which means paying attention to body language, or even better, asking questions. That ignoring a “no” is assault. That abuse gets worse over time. And that sexual assault is not even about sex – it’s about control.
Next time… I’ll share what followed this first date, including the countless secondary consequences of experiencing an abusive dating relationship and sexual assault.
About: Ashley Bendiksen is a top youth motivational speaker and prevention educator. A survivor speaker and renowned expert in teen dating violence, domestic violence, and sexual assault prevention, Ashley is available as a speaker for middle schools, high schools, colleges, and youth conferences for both students and adults who serve them. She is also a professional development speaker for first responders, victim services providers, and workplaces. Request Ashley to speak.